


Pen to Paper

by Hellokaelyn



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, Nick is somewhat ooc and emotional, just saying, sort of character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 09:35:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18247178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hellokaelyn/pseuds/Hellokaelyn
Summary: When Nick's emotions get too much he gets reckless and angry until he learns to put pen to paper.





	Pen to Paper

**Author's Note:**

> My goal for this fic was to tug at those heartstrings in a good way 😅

If someone had asked Nick what he’d be doing at this moment a year ago, it wouldn’t even come close to where he was. 

Sitting on an uncomfortable hospital room chair as he watched Ellie sleep peacefully, and also as he watched his newborn son sleep in his tiny crib that was placed beside the hospital bed. Ellie was curled on her side facing the crib, her hand reaching out and dipping a little into the crib. 

Nick let the silence of the room fill him up, his emotions feeling as if they were about to choke him. It was a beautiful sight in front of him but that didn’t stop the terrified feeling, the fear, the anxiety- everything in between. 

That urge to  _ hit _ to  _ destroy _ that he always felt when his emotions became too much began to fill him. Nick took deep breaths and reaching into the bag on the floor beside him, pulled out a notebook and pen with shaking hands. 

He hated feeling like this.

It all started when he was five and his dad left, Nick became consumed with so much hurt and anger that he did the first thing he could think of. He took whatever his small hands could grab hold of in his room, and threw it at the walls with as much force as he could. From there the damage he caused when his emotions filled him only built usually resulting in fist fights or spending hours in front of a punching bag just so he didn’t deliberately hurt someone because he knew once his mind cleared, he’d be filled with disgust at himself. When joining the team, there were small moments and glimpses of that part of himself but it wasn’t until after Reeves’ death that it was out there for them all to see. Nick had found the sunglasses Reeves had given him while he was getting ready for work, and that was all it took. Anger filled him that his friend was gone, which only escalated as the day went on without any release. 

When it came time for the painting workshop with Jimmy, he felt as if his insides were boiling with it. What Nick would never tell anyone was it wasn’t exactly the rude assholes that made him flip, but the quick thought that crossed his mind while his paintbrush touched the canvas. A quick thought of  _ why couldn’t it have been Abby _ , and then seconds later he was getting in the faces of those assholes  _ finally _ getting to release the anger though it didn’t stop the anger at himself because how  _ dare  _ he think that when Abby was one of the nicest greatest people he’d ever known? 

Next time it happened was after a case that hit too close to home for both he and Ellie, a case involving a little boy named Cody that didn’t have a happy ending. All they could think about was that baby they had deemed  _ Cody _ before having to hand him off to his new parents, they  _ knew _ it wasn’t the same little boy, but it didn’t stop the crash of emotions. This time Nick felt no anger. Instead it was just all consuming sadness, and Ellie felt the same. Not thinking clearly and too high on their emotions, they used each other to try and make it go away.

They didn’t talk about it. The only evidence being the secret heated glances, touches becoming more common, and the lingering feeling of wanting  _ more _ than that one night.

But that all came crashing down when Ellie turned up at his door terrified almost two months later. Nick had barely made out her frantic rambling of  _ how _ they were supposed to be parents,  _ what _ were they going to do. Nick had that feeling of his emotions crashing into him and struggled to keep himself calm as he tried calming her down. 

After Ellie left, he went to the gym and spent hours in front of the punching bag until even with the gloves his knuckles were bruised. 

The next morning he went into work early, walking straight to Jack’s office. 

He asked her for help. 

How was he supposed to be there for Ellie and be a father when every time he felt emotions like a normal person, he became reckless? It scared him when the thought registered that one day what if he took the anger out on Ellie or their child. And so, he asked Jack if there was something he could do.. _ anything _ . 

She suggested writing when it happened.

Nick had scoffed at the suggestion but he tried it. 

He gave Jack a gift basket full of her favorite things. It had helped. 

Now he sat there watching the two most important people in his life sleep and with that feeling filling him, he opened the notebook to a blank page.

Nick put pen to paper. 

* * *

_ Dear Lucas _

_ It has now been 37 hours, 16 minutes, and 25 seconds since I met you for the first time. I considered myself a dad before hearing that first piercing cry but it didn’t really hit me until I held you for the first time and felt that all consuming feeling of fear. Fear that I would mess up in some way. Along with the fear came that feeling of excitement, the nerves, and a million other emotions but one sticks out the most. Love. _

_ Growing up I went through some rough things which all began with my dad walking away from his wife and two children. All I had left of him were memories and his lava lamp that my mom kept in the room even after he was gone. Time passed and instead of moving on from the hurt and anger, it consumed me and grew into something ugly. That anger caused me to do a lot of reckless and stupid things that only added up as I grew older. When I first met your mom I knew what family love was like, and thought I had known what real love was like but I was wrong. It took time and a lot of patience on your mom’s part, but in time because of her I really did learn what love was. She saw past all my mistakes, my anger, my regrets and guilt, and loved me for who I was, not what I became. She pushed me to be the best version of myself I could be, gave me a safe place to land when I started to crash and burn, and gave me the acceptance I didn’t know I craved. In return, I tried my hardest to give her the same. I guess you could say your mom is the superhero who saved my life because without her, it would have been easy for the darkness I felt inside of me to consume me whole until there was nothing left.\ _

_ I promise Lucas with everything I am and have, that you won’t grow up like I did. I promise you won’t have to deal with the hurt and anger of wondering what you did to make me leave. I promise you’ll grow up surrounded by the love you deserve. I promise to make home always feel like home, where you’ll be accepted for who you are and won’t be afraid to ask for help when you’re lost or confused. I promise to fill your memories with love and happiness to the best of my ability. You deserve everything in life Lucas, and your mom and I will do our hardest to give you our all.  _

_ At this moment you and your mom are sleeping peacefully and I find myself thankful that with you two in life, my future looks so much more brighter.  _

_ Love, Dad _

* * *

Nick stared at the page full of his writing before softly closing the notebook, his hand resting over it as if it was sacred. Lucas would never read it, but Nick felt so much lighter. 

“Nick?” Ellie’s groggy sleep filled voice made his head snap up. 

He got up and walked to the side of her bed, taking her hand in his.

“Are you okay?” She blinked up at him, her eyebrow furrowing in worry. Nick gave her a confused look until she reached up and touched his cheek, her finger coming away wet. “Why were you crying?”

Nick shook his head, running his hand across his cheek to wipe the leftover tears away. 

Ellie’s eyes shifted to the notebook and pen he left on the seat. She looked back at him and smiled. 

He shifted on his feet clearing his throat. “Do- you can read this one if you want.” 

Her eyes widened. He never let her read anything he had wrote before since he started. 

Ellie nodded, moving upwards on the pillows as he handed it to her.

Nick watched her the whole time, even when she started crying herself.

“Nick..this is beautiful.” She whispered. Ellie looked at him with shining eyes.

He shrugged, trying to play it off. “Just uh- don’t show or tell anyone.”

She gave his shirt a tug, hinting that he should lean down. Nick gave her a confused look but leaned down toward her. Ellie pressed her lips to his, he felt warmth spread through him at the feeling. Nick with one hand on the bed and the other on the back of her neck, kissed her back.

“You’re my superhero too you know.” She whispered when they pulled away, inches only between them. 

Nick chuckled. “Ellie, you’re your own superhero.” 

Ellie shook her head. “I looked fine on the outside but inside..I was bruised and damaged.” She admitted softly. “But then you..you became my best friend and without even trying you healed me.”

“Ellie-”

“I mean it Nick.”

He swallowed roughly and knowing his voice would break if he spoke, did the only other thing he could think of. 

Pressing his lips to hers again, he put all he was feeling into the kiss.

When Ellie gripped his shirt tightly in her hands and kissed him back..Nick could practically feel her love flow through him. One day he’d marry her. One day.


End file.
